Still in the train, ALONE! Kerala sure is a beautiful sight from the train. Its almost mid December and kerala is still green. And red too. The rock that they use to make those houses in kerala, amazing… there is something in the texture of the rocks that attracts me to it. Those fields with the plastic bags as scare crows. Crows remind me of phoonk. I bet these plastic bags can scare away more things than that movie.
Well now, I have some company. A father and his little daughter must be around 8-9 years old. They didn’t have a seat, don’t think they even have a ticket, but I gave them half of my seat, not that I needed company, I just didn’t care about anything, I just moved and gave them space. But, I kinda started liking the girl. Damn sweet. But, I didn’t care about asking her, her name… was too busy in the whole soul searching business.
Him feeding her home made food with his own hands makes me cry. Why? Was I never fed like that? I was, but not anymore. I lost that relationship with dad the day we moved out of andheri and our old house. His mistakes, mom & I suffered. Still haven’t come to terms with it. I want to forgive him but something within me doesn’t allow me to. May be I may never be such a good father. I sincerely feel so. I could never be a good brother, nor a good son… I’m not a good man anyhow. I sometimes wonder, the people I miss so much in my life, the people who I think about so much, would I have been nice to them, had they been with me, alive? I don’t know. Life doesn’t plan to give me a second chance, don’t think I want one. I want to go through it, shamelessly.
Its funny, the girl holds her breath and keeps looking towards the bathroom till her father comes back, our seat is the first one, form where the bathroom is visible. Where have I lost that kind of innocence? I was like that once in my life, what happened? I don’t know; don’t think I want to know at this stage in my life. Watching the girl do that over and over again just made me cry. The best I could do is gift the girl for all her sweetness and pray that she remains the same always. Life is truly not of the moments you breathe away, its made of the moments that take your breath away.
God knows when ernakulam will come and I will get off this soul searching trip of mine
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its bitterness that kills innocence... i learnt it the hard way.. after many many moments. Remember, forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to forget. its these thoughts that make us.. what we are.. now!!
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