Hindsight.

2010 comes to an end in a few days. Sitting here at 2010 and looking back at 2000 I am surprised at how much I have changed and how much the occurences around me have affected and changed me. they say your teens are the time your personality is shaped and what better decade to have spent your teens than the one which just went by. The last ten years have been as mad as ever. Very few decades in human history would rival.

A lot has changed. My id is now myname@gmail.com instead of grandmastersexy@yahoo.com(& civilizedtragiclover@hotmail.com). Went from chaddi's to pants and from chappals to shoes. If you have observed me well enough you will be able to predict what I will be wearing the next day as good as Nostradamus. But thats all of me for now, I will take pleasure in discussing more of it later.

Throughout this decade we saw a real shift, a shift compared to a few other in history. Indians went from straight cut to bell bottoms to narrow cuts. Random kids who have never played soccer are now fans of Manchester United. Leeds United got relegated. Hansi Cronje died in a plane crash, Rooney and Terry had a bad rash. MJ passed away or probably vanished and is living in malta with some funny name and a beard. The twin towers came falling down, Amrika is still figuring out who Osama is, and now they have Obama to contend with. On the home front Modi's came out to become the biggest newsmakers of the decade. Some others tried to grad news but failed. These incidents really changed the way we think. Today we cannot no longer not take sides. We have become more conscious of the fact that our lives are lived futile in trying to earn a living honestly when the rest of the world which drives in a BMW doesn't.

The Media literally took over our lives and probably thats what prompted me to take up journalism. Like all other things in life, I left journalism half way. Leaving Suhaan thinking if India would ever have an era of credible journalism. But I feel its made our lives more bearable. We get to see some serious stuff on tv which we rather wouldn't be subject to. A hairy guy screaming on tv would definitely be fun for someone who thinks India is Shining.

Coming back to why I was talking about this decade? I really have really no clue. But I definitely know that this decade has been full of changes for me. Learnt a lot of things and done a lot of things. I wish I could have captured every detail of this decade to some day look back at it. I would have rather put up a edited video instead of this horrendous post. For now I promise to come up with a more focussed post next time. I promise I wont write it during office hours because this post is and example enough of how bad my writing skills have become because of this new life of mine.

2005

Sometimes I feel I am a 50 year old stuck in a 25 yr olds body. I look around and I see ambitious young friends working harder than ever to create a mark for themselves. Trying to create an identity with their degrees and their jobs. Few days ago when I met a few friends after almost a decade they skipped all question to the big one “Where do you work? what do you do?” I really want to tell them the life I have lived till now.

Very few people have ever heard me talk about my life in 2005. I was 18 then and lost. Searching for the usual things; love, god and direction. Like one famous founder of apple I also joined the Hare Krishnas in the search for all these answers. Those 12 months luckily took me on a roller coaster ride of a lifetime. The journey started from Mumbai, barely having arrived from a long distance sailing trip I was on a train to New Delhi with a train ticket. With me were two very devoted ‘devotees’ of the lord. Our plan was simple sleep in between berths and make it somehow to Delhi. To make it worse we were wearing a attire which would make us look even more foolish. Dhotis and a multicolor t shirt on top. Dinner time was spent trying to sell the ‘Bhagavad Gita’ to people who would just stare at us and wonder what has the world come to. The trip from New Delhi to Rishikesh was uneventful and so was the stay.

Our plan from there was pretty simple, somehow make it to Gangotri and then travel along mother ganga ‘till stocks last’. This was my first experience of the Himalayas, its deep valleys and intimidating peaks. However cliche it would sound, I was in love with the heights and equally intimidated. I would spend most of my time in the preaching sessions looking up at the peaks. My first experience where I was made to feel small. Never had I felt small in front of a 60 storey building but the magnanimity of those mountains got the best of my ego. And ego that would be humbled all along this journey again and again and again.

Next stop was Benaras. One of the few places in this planet I can never describe in words. The complex relations between the thousands of variables in our culture was on showcase right there. I would find myself often on the opposite banks just staring at lights and soaking in the magic they call religion. One of the ghats I was told was built by my ancestors. I could not sleep the whole of that night. At 4am in the morning I was up determined and like a film hero I wanted to make that dip historic. Proclaiming to my friends that a Shinde had arrived with my pseudo royal blood. Back in 2005 they did not have a mechanism to remove dead bodies from the water before they reached the ghats. Well the man with the royal blood did the scare of his lifetime that morning. The water was as cold as the water had been in Rishikesh and Haridwar. The brave Shinde dipped his feet in and with two long steps was waist deep in the water. And now with the next dip it was time for Gaurav Shinde to reclaim Scindia Ghat. Submerged with adrenaline at its highest I came back up. To my horror I had also pulled up a hand of a dead body. My reactions were natural to that of a teen, but not at all living up to honor my bloodline. Not even the high mountains or waves as high as a two storey building had ever scared the living daylights out of me as that moment had. God had devised a wicked plan to humble my ego and he was doing a good job.

Luckily the two months were pretty uneventful. Visit to Mathura, Gaya, Puri were as wonderful as they could get. Cleaning the floors of the Jagannath temple in Puri was a part of our self inculcated austerity drive. I still refuse to accept that I had got carried away with the Hare Krishna ideology while trying to sweep floors, dancing through the streets and preaching to people who actually only were listening to me for the food that followed. It was an inner drive beyond reasoning. This year was as epic for my life as it could be and the last months deserve a post for each of those months spent in the search for isolation and freedom.

Thank You

Thank you for being there for me. You are the air that I breathe. And when you had many chances to leave, you stuck by me during the hard times. I'm so happy that you are mine and because of you my life is fine. You stayed with me during the pain. You're the best person that I know and I love it when your love shows. You were there when I was rich and you stand by me when I fell in a ditch. You are there when I had a frown. Even though the many times I lied, you made me happy when I cried. Because of you I'm not dead and because of you I'm not on the streets. You gave me everything I have and you know that that's a lot. Even though all the times I did wrong, you stuck by me all this long….
We’ll be happy today, tomorrow and forever if only you believe me one more time…

Plan for 20th June 2009 Prabalgarh and Kalavantin point trek

Brief Introduction about Prabalgad / Kalwantin Durg:-

Height: 2300 ft
Grade: Prabalgad Easy, Kalwantin Medium
Time: ~3 hrs from Thakurwadi, Base Village
Location: Prabalgad is a fort located near Panvel.

Prabalgad fort is situated on northeast side of Panvel, on Mumbai-Pune road. One can see it from express highway as V-Shaped mountain. The left one is Kalwantin durg & on the right side is Prabalgad. But there is a dense forest on the way till the the top of fort Prabal. Historical references indicate that Freedom fighter Umaji Naik made a stay there in 1826.

Journey Details:-

The bus is scheduled at 07:00hrs from Panvel bus depot, and will drop us at Thakurwadi village around 07:30 Hrs. Please be sure about the timing. Its sharp 7 am. We will be getting down at the last stop.

Trek Details:-

08:00 Hrs -- Move towards Prabalgad fort from Thakurwadi village.
09:00 Hrs -- At Thakarwadi. 1st Halt. BreakFast Time.
11:00 Hrs -- On Top of fort. By taking right side route. Whereas left side one goes for Kalwantin

I guess 2 hrs for Fort Exploration, Lunch etc. is enough.

We will descend the fort around 13:30 Hrs.

15:00 Hrs -- At Thakarwadi
15:45 Hrs -- At Kalwantin Durg Pinnacle

Kalwantin durg pinnacle is tougher than Prabalgad. It has some rock cut steps intially and then few more but muddy path near the pinnacle. It will be slippery, but real adventure. Hopefully we are going to scale the pinnacle.

16:30 Hrs -- Descend from Kalwantin
18:00 Hrs -- At Thakurwadi ...

From here we will catch the last bus for Panvel, or take a rick if its available towards scheduling fata and henceforth to Panvel, have Snack/tea at Panvel.

And then depart for home. The Estimated initial expenditure is about Rs. 100/- This includes Panvel to Thakurwadi return fare for bus/rick. Veg Sandwiches as morning breakfast, theplas with chutni/chunda as lunch and evening snacks/tea.

Things To Carry:-

A Water Bottle (~2.5 Ltrs)
Rain cheater (Optional)
Camera, Cell Phone (Optional)
Please avoid wearing Gold and other ornaments
1 torch (if u have any please bring)
Some ready to eat food. Plum cakes, Biscuits etc.
Medicine if u require usually (Optional)
Extra pair of clothes,
Knife
And a haversack to put all these things.

Oh ri duniya, Oh ri duniya,
Aye duniya, aye surmayee aankhein ke pyaalo ki duniya oh duniya,
Surmayee aankhein ke pyaalo ki duniya oh duniya,
Satrangi rango gulalo ki duniya oh duniya -2 times

Alsaayi sejo ke phoolon ki duniya oh duniya re,
Angdaayi tode kabootar ki duniya oh duniya re,
Aye karwat le soyi haqeeqat ki duniya oh duniya,
Deewani hoti tabiyat ki duniya oh duniya,
Khwahish mein lipti zaroorat ki duniya oh duniya re,
Heyyy insaan ke sapno ki niyat ki duniya oh duniya,
Oh ri duniya, oh ri duniya, oh ro duniya, oh ri duniya,
Yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaaye to kya hai? – 3 times

Mamta ki bikhri kahani ki duniya oh duniya,
Behno ki siski jawani ki duniya oh duniya,
Adam ke hawwa se rishte ki duniya oh duniya re
Heyyy shayar ke pheenke labzo ki duniya oh duniya,
Ooooo…oooo…hoooo….hooo…ooooooooo…
[Gaalib ke maumin ke khawabo ki duniya,
Majazo ke un inqalabo ki duniya] - 2 times

Faize firako sahir umakhdum meel ki zoku kitabo ki duniya,
Yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaaye to kya hai? – 3 times

Palchin mein baaten chali jaati hai hai,
Palchin mein raaten chali jaati hai hai,
Reh jaata hai jo sawera wo dhoondhe,
Jalta makaan mein basera wo dhoondhe,
Jaisi bachi hai waisi ki waisi, bacha lo yeh duniya,
Apna samajh ke apno ki jaisi utha lo yeh duniya,
Chitput si baaton mein jalne lagegi, sambhalo yeh duniya,
Katpit ke raaton mein palne lagegi, sambhalo yeh duniya,
Oh ri duniya, oh ri duniya, wo kahen hai ki duniya,
Yeh itni nahi hai sitaaro se aage jahan aur bhi hai,
Yeh hum hi nahi hai, wahan aur bhi hai,
Hamari hare k baat hoti wahin hai,
Hume aitraaz nahi hai kahin bhi,
Wo aayi zamil pe sahi hai,
Magar falsafa yeh bigad jaata hai jo,
Wo kehte hai…aalim yeh kehta wahan ishwar hai,
Faazil yeh kehta wahan allah hai,
Kamil yeh kahta hai,
Manzil yeh kehti tab insaan se ki,
Tumhari hai tum hi sambhalo yeh duniya,
Yeh ujde hue chand baasi charago,
Tumhare yeh kale iraado ki duniya,
Ohh ri duniya, oh ri duniya…
Hoo ri duniya…

9th december 2008- still in the train

Still in the train, ALONE! Kerala sure is a beautiful sight from the train. Its almost mid December and kerala is still green. And red too. The rock that they use to make those houses in kerala, amazing… there is something in the texture of the rocks that attracts me to it. Those fields with the plastic bags as scare crows. Crows remind me of phoonk. I bet these plastic bags can scare away more things than that movie.

Well now, I have some company. A father and his little daughter must be around 8-9 years old. They didn’t have a seat, don’t think they even have a ticket, but I gave them half of my seat, not that I needed company, I just didn’t care about anything, I just moved and gave them space. But, I kinda started liking the girl. Damn sweet. But, I didn’t care about asking her, her name… was too busy in the whole soul searching business.

Him feeding her home made food with his own hands makes me cry. Why? Was I never fed like that? I was, but not anymore. I lost that relationship with dad the day we moved out of andheri and our old house. His mistakes, mom & I suffered. Still haven’t come to terms with it. I want to forgive him but something within me doesn’t allow me to. May be I may never be such a good father. I sincerely feel so. I could never be a good brother, nor a good son… I’m not a good man anyhow. I sometimes wonder, the people I miss so much in my life, the people who I think about so much, would I have been nice to them, had they been with me, alive? I don’t know. Life doesn’t plan to give me a second chance, don’t think I want one. I want to go through it, shamelessly.

Its funny, the girl holds her breath and keeps looking towards the bathroom till her father comes back, our seat is the first one, form where the bathroom is visible. Where have I lost that kind of innocence? I was like that once in my life, what happened? I don’t know; don’t think I want to know at this stage in my life. Watching the girl do that over and over again just made me cry. The best I could do is gift the girl for all her sweetness and pray that she remains the same always. Life is truly not of the moments you breathe away, its made of the moments that take your breath away.

God knows when ernakulam will come and I will get off this soul searching trip of mine

8th december 2008 - the train journey

Every morning in my life is eventful, this one wasn’t a exception. Almost collided head-on with trucks, a few buses and countless number of cars. All this, just to get to town early so that I could get the calendar printed, which amazingly I got printed at 8 in the morning… Those shops around metro don’t seem to have much to do, all of them open pretty early. Back to the calendar, don’t know why but I did something like that for a girl… literally first time in my life… you may say there is always a first… but in such a case, I hate myself for doing it. Funny, xtremely funny… a self proclaimed heartless prick like me doing something like this for a girl is as funny as it could get. & that too for someone who is ‘just a friend’ plain, pretty plain… still just a friend. God knows! Don’t know who knows!

It’s a funny feeling to be travelling alone and that too a 1600 km journey over 28 hours. The scenery surrounding the konkan railway track do at times stop you from going into that soul searching trip, but not for long… it hits you, and it hits you where it hurts you as bad farah would feel if u cut her tongue off.

& the funny thing here is that a group of college students are travelling in the same compartment as I am going probably to goa or further, may be for their industrial visit. Shit! Looking at them I get a dose of what I will probably miss coz of this decision of mine to go to kochi for sailing. Will I regret it all my life? Sure, I will. I have been regretting not going with my school friends till now & I will regret not going this time too. Shit! I can hear all the scare crows in the farms saying go back! go back! I can’t … sailing is too way important, who says… she says… who she? I don’t know

May be life’s like that & every man in his quest to become great has always something to look back at. It’s a void, I void that makes him ordinary like others. Inside, deep inside!

one kid’s dreams and a young man’s memories

As you all know, ‘I’m old school.’ I have a cellphone, all it does is makes call and sends messages; I still wear those old clothes and straight jeans and savvy the Yezdi and Royal Enfield over a Bajaj Pulsar. I grew up in Mumbai suburbs and the then untouched parts of Pune during a time when ‘Potli wale baba’ & ‘Alif Laila’ was on TV and my friends and I would play ‘sakli’ & ‘chor police’ running through the fields and hills behind my grandparents’ house, which leads me to the tree house.

When I was a kid my playgrounds were the hills and woods near Kothrud in Pune and in 1998, when I reached the age of 11, I was proficient in the swing of an axe and the grip of a saw. That’s when the creation began. We picked a Gulmohur tree which was half way up the hill. You could only get there by those old grassy farmers’ roads that twine through the straw field along the hill, and for the next 6 months, every spare moment I had, a vision emerged about half-a-km in back of our house.

It was small but grand! At not more than a height of around 10ft above the ground and had two rooms. Old furniture was cut to size to make the walls, and slab wood came from the construction site nearby. No pictures of it exist.

The first room was our living room and the next room was the bedroom which we called the Taj Suite and the very top opened like a hatch door leading to a nest. At this point I had cleared the treetops and had a clear shot at the Gandhi library nearby; which I think is the last of its kind. I even had a rope which hung the tree that you could use to help yourself climb into the tree house. The nights were lit by a kerosene lantern and water and food came from home.

Very few people knew of its existence, except for some summertime friends who lived nearby. The memories are priceless. Before finishing off the vacations in the summer, I actually lived there the entire 3 months of the holiday.

During the time I was at school in Mumbai someone torched the whole hill— deliberately or by accident, who knows. By the time I returned all that remained was ashes to ashes and dust to dust — it had returned to the earth.

I’m now approaching 22 and sometimes catch myself wondering where the time went, but will never forget my summers in Pune. I return when I can and my grandparents still live in Pune and are planning to move back to Mumbai soon.

Sorry if I rambled — thought this story might be an interesting as one kid’s dreams and a young man’s memories

Somewhere.
And someone who's sold his soul to the game
has just got out of bed.
Propelled by a new way of inflicting pain.
On himself.
We are not talking about a particular game here.
Like cricket. Or soccer. Or sailing.
We're talking sport.
And why, like a restless worm.
it gnaws into a man's soul.
Pushing him to run 0.025 seconds faster.
Or jump 0.5 centimeters higher.
Or shave all his body hair to
gain 0.01 seconds in the pool.
Is this a form of madness?
Hardly.
It's worse.
It's more like a disease.
Undeterminable.
Incurable.
And contagious.

this is what sport actually is

Some Jap wise ass said:
Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there.

jesus was a sailor

jesus was a sailor
When he walked upon the water
And he spent a long time watching
From his lonely wooden tower
And when he knew for certain
Only drowning men could see him
He said all men will be sailors then
Until the sea shall free them
But he himself was broken
Long before the sky would open
Forsaken, almost human
He sank beneath your wisdom like a stone
And you want to travel with him
And you want to travel blind
And you think maybe youll trust him
For hes touched your perfect body with his mind.

aleatorio

i want to fly ...

blank empty spaces fill my mind
as I ride high on hopes of transcendence
I question my existence
the answers come through lights of various hues
I still fly...high in the sky...

Narendra Panjwanii quotes II

27/08/2008

"When you use the word realism in non canteen time, keep in mind that there is a horizon of expectation which accompanies the narrative. "

Narendra Panjwanii Quotes

well, nowadays i have not been getting time to transcribe all my stuff onto the pc, so just to keep something happening

you are going to get the Narendra Panjwani quote of the day(i.e. if i attend class)

18/08/2008:-
A film has its integrity in a fictional universe which has its own rules~dont ask me the rules!!!

random thoughts II

I am so happy today. I am smiling from ear to ear. Waking up thinking of you is paradise. I no longer notice the scars on my face because of you. Because you don’t. Who knew that all it takes for a tortured soul to find peace is a loving embrace.

I am happy today. Because if I asked you to love me, you would. And if I kissed you, you would kiss me back.

If you died I would bury you in my garden. If anyone would mind it, I'd steal your coffin. It wouldn't be that difficult compared to crouching in the Iraqi desert watching convoys of steel rolling to their deaths. Hearing the whine of an incoming missile, the brief shrieks of men and the twisting of metal into claws. I would make your grave my temple. I would sit there with your grave in front of me, my sword by my side and meditate.

My death would be a trivial event in my life compared to yours because you are my life. God works in mysterious ways. He tells us to resist temptation and when we give in it is not pain we feel but heavenly pleasure mixed with guilt. I am addicted.

You really don’t know how I feel. You just think I am in love. It is only when you are in love that you will notice how inadequate those three words "I love you" really are.

Plain, simple and very beautiful.

Random thoughts

The forbidden laws of society question my mere existence…I don’t care but may be sometimes I do. I guess I am human too. Unless this is a dream or maybe I am a spirit who wants to be human, yet the man haunts me!

I am still & I watch everyone pass by walking at their own pace. Doing good, Doing evil! May be I am an ant…the difference? I don’t have to follow anyone’s footprints. I feel I exist but I am not sure if I do... Is feeling the only criteria for existence? May be the world is forever shedding its feelings!

All this is scary, perhaps more than some of the worst nightmares. Nightmares don’t last long, reality does! I am scared of all the big faces that bring a thunderstorm in my life. These hidden faces haunt me & whistle in my ears with my every breath. Not every face threatens me, but I weep when I remember those enlightened faces turn black with time… I don’t know the sanity of my fears… But I know they can harm me.

May be some times, I like fear too, perhaps that is the only thing that makes me realize that I am not a zephyr of thought that comes without knocking and passes without intimation. I guess I am insane because I’m not able to evacuate myself from the grave of hatred & power! May be this is just not my world. May be my world starts from the horizon where love and feelings coincide.

Let me be

Heartbroken,
standing here with empty hands.
Cant believe this happened,
again?
No, it hurts no more.
But then I know,
I'm never sure.
Why me?
just let me be.

Eyes are the windows to the soul

She looked at me, standing in front of her. She looked into those remarkable eyes now filled with disgrace and humbleness.....once they were filled with love, happiness and laughter. She looked at that mouth once on the verge of a smile or a joke, now it showed just pieces of skin clinging to lips cut with desperation. She looked at that jaw line, once the symbol of determination, now the picture of malnutrition and decline. She looked at that man and sighed..... She didn’t love him anymore; maybe she never did….. And she walked away leaving him alone amidst the sounds of metal monsters roaring loud as they chewed on skeletons after skeletons…. His turn came to enter the hell of the monsters hungry stomach but, he stood his ground, for they could wait… he was waiting for her to turn in that stillness of spring, so he could sing to her a song, a confused cry of his heart…

I don't love you but I think I like you
Think I like you and I think you know
I don't want you but I do desire you
Do desire you and I won't let go…

I wanna be...

It's a long road
When you're on your own
And it hurts when
They tear your dreams apart
And every new town
Just seems to bring you down
Trying to find peace of mind
Can break your heart

It's a real war
Right outside your front door I tell ya
Out where they'll kill ya
You could use a friend
Where the road is
That's the place for me
Where I'm me in my own space
Where I'm free that's the place
I WANNA BE...

sings Dan Hill in Rambo…

The road is long and the sun is bright and I walk and I’m all alone , I don’t fight
my power, my pleasure, my pain and I know that all have grudges against my little left life.
Death remains my fancy and hope remains my sight.

Oh! but I’m too weak, I can’t walk and crawling with my stoic pride I can’t call out. I think that will make me a hero and something will happen. But, there is no sky above, no earth under my feet a sudden thunder captures my heart and a darkness touches me somewhere deep.

It hurts, it hurts but I’m happy because the pain is gleeful and I want to runaway from life with all its miseries and pain. I’m happy I’m dying.

I think I’m not breathing but I’m still alive! When I open my eyes to cherish the bargain and I woke up in hell and the flames of outside burning the flames of inside and a realization that death isn’t a release from misery because I’m not free and there is no more hope, life after death is a prison after prison and I;
I want to be immortal.

Dan Hill goes on ...

Cause the road is long yeah
Each step is only the beginning
No breaks just heartaches
Oh man is anybody winning...